On Turning 50

Yesterday, on Friday, September 16th, I reached the age of 50. I'm going to reflect on this milestone in two parts. Part I is Celebration at the Magical Queendom and Part II is Acceptance.

Part I - Celebration at the Magical Queendom

I first gave serious thought to what I would be doing on my 50th birthday when I turned 45. Having gone to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York for my 40th birthday, I wanted to do some equally special if not more so. My initial thoughts were to travel to Northern California to see the Redwood Forest. I wanted to have a birthday that was serene yet grand and few things are grander than Redwoods. 

Then the chaos came. Within a year I would move from Boston to New York City. Eighteen months after I had moved to New York, the pandemic ensued. Seven months after that I was off to Atlanta. By the time I had come to Atlanta my 50th birthday wish had changed to coming back to Boston as a visitor. I missed Boston terribly. My wish to return to Boston would come far sooner than I had expected. As much as I was delighted with this development there remained the question with how I would spend my 50th birthday.

The seeds to that answer were planted in June 2020 from the moment I clicked on the YouTube video of Fanny's live version of "Ain't That Peculiar". Although all four members of the classic Fanny lineup were a force of nature, it was lead guitarist June Millington to whom I was most drawn. Over time, I began communicating with her online as well as her longtime partner Ann Hackler particularly through Facebook and her Livestream broadcasts. Although her cancer diagnosis would curtail those Livestreams, it did not curtail our communication. Then along came several opportunities to meet in June in person at several showings of the documentary Fanny: The Right to Rock in Boston and in New York. 

When I saw June in New York over Memorial Day Weekend, I broached the idea of spending my 50th birthday at the Institute for Musical Arts (IMA) in Goshen, Massachusetts which is about two hours west of Boston. June was receptive to the idea and in time arrangements were made with Ann to make it happen. 

Aside from the relatively close proximity to Boston there was the desire to immerse myself within the Magical Queendom even if only for 24 hours. While I have seen pictures, video and film of the grounds at IMA I knew that I needed to experience it for myself.  I also cannot remember the last time I had a home cooked meal.

To get there, I took a Peter Pan bus on the circuitous route from Boston to Hartford, Connecticut and then back into Massachusetts to Springfield and then to Northampton where I was picked up by Ann. From there, it was a 30 minute drive to Goshen. Driving through Western Massachusetts is a site to behold.

When I entered the front door of the Magical Queendom, I heard June playing guitar. She was practicing for a forthcoming Fanny gig next month in Kansas City. After June concluded her practice, she took me on a walk through their 25 acres of land including the barn which houses their two studios and performance area. In an instant, I was enthralled with the atmosphere which certainly had the feel of an artists' colony. I can see and hear why musicians, particularly young girls and women, are drawn to this space. In separate conversations with June and Ann, I told them how blessed they are to have this view almost everyday. 

Ann prepared a lovely, home cooked dinner consisting of grilled fish, grilled veggies, grilled mushrooms, grilled pineapple and salad. The birthday boy got the added bonus of blueberry pie topped with cashew based ice cream with a single candle. This was most satiating. 

Several other people joined us for dinner including Mia Huggs who will be playing bass with Fanny in Kansas City. She first came to IMA in her teens seven years ago. While Mia expressed concern about learning Jean Millington's bass parts with the show less than three weeks away, I asked her if she envisioned playing with Fanny when she started with IMA all those years ago and she had to say that did not cross her mind. Having heard Mia's bass playing on a LiveStream, I'm sure she will do Jean justice in Kansas City.

I ended up spending the night in a yurt which included a wood stove. It tends to be cooler at night in Goshen so Ann started a fire for me. The fire combined with several layers of blankets included a wool blanket knitted by Jean Millington kept me warm through the night. 

June is generally a late riser so I did not see her this morning. Knowing this I had made a point of saying my farewells to June before I retired for the evening. I spent the morning with Ann walking the grounds of The Magic Queendom before she drove me back to Northampton. On the way to Northampton, we briefly stopped at DAR State Forest and at Smith College. 

Ann said I was welcome to come back to the Magical Queendom. While I do hope there will be other opportunities to return to the Magical Queendom, I shall remember my time there on my 50th birthday with great fondness.

Part II - Acceptance

As I begin my 50s, I can state definitively that my life as it is more positive than negative. I have not always been able to say this with confidence but I can now. 

Returning to Boston has helped this considerably as I find myself in my best employment situation in a decade. Although my living space isn't as vast as it was in Atlanta, I am in a location near numerous amenities and that my life is a comfortable one. In this respect, I can only hope for continued good health and for the strength to deal with any bad news which does come my way.

Over these years, I have come to accept certain things. For starters, I have accepted that I'm a Records Clerk. I tried to go beyond this in the paralegal field but I am simply best suited to being a Records Clerk. It is a job at which I excel. I might as well stick to my strengths. 

I have accepted that beyond this personal blog, my writing opportunities will be few and far between. Very few people are interested in what I have to say. It won't stop me from trying if I think I have a good idea. But I know the likelihood of those ideas seeing the light of day beyond this blog are slim to none. 

While I like to think that I would have been a good husband and father, I have accepted that women do not view me as such and it is highly unlikely that will change. Some people are better suited to being alone and I am among those people. While such a future does not fill me with unbridled joy I am not heartbroken over it and have made my peace with this state of affairs. 

In making my peace, I have also accepted that prefer to keep my own counsel and to stay out of people's way as much as possible. Spending time at IMA as I did yesterday is quite unusual for me these days. Frankly, when I seek the company of other people, regardless of gender, I feel like I'm in the way and taking up their space. This is the last thing that I want. As such I have accepted that less is more and that in group settings to keep my appearances to a minimum so as to not wear out my welcome.

Although I might not get what I want, I have accepted that in the grand scheme of things that I am very fortunate. While I might desire more for myself I know full well I could be in a far more precarious position. I could be a Ukrainian displaced from my home not knowing where I will stay, where to find my next meal while on the lookout for Russian soldiers. 

While I do fear for the future of America and the world beyond particularly where it concerns defeated, former President Trump and Trumpism at large, I have accepted there is not a great deal that I can do about it. I won't hesitate to raise my voice I know full well very few people hear it or want to hear it. To maximize the limits of my effectiveness, I can pick my spots and choose my battles. I say all this with the realization that where there are people that problems are sure to follow. 

Naturally I do not know what the future holds for me. While it might be easier to forecast the next seven days than the next seven years, I am all too aware how things can change in an instant and that there little or nothing that can be done to undo it. The best I can do is to maintain the positive outlook that I currently have regardless of any challenges which will invariably come my way.

If I am fortunate then I can eventually to start to think what I am going to do on my 60th birthday come Thursday, September 16, 2032.